Domestic Alteration
by ShayaSar
Summary: Sometimes it's better to stay in bed on a Monday. Or meet aliens... JackxIanto. This evolved somehow into a crack!fic... But it's part of my domestic series. This one is set 10. August 2009.


"Jack?" Ianto was barely out of his car when he started yelling for his partner. "Jack, where are you?" Slamming the door shut, Ianto pulled his gun from the waistband and looked around. Jack had been gone for several hours now, and they couldn't reach him over the comms. "Damn it, I knew this was going to end badly."

The early morning had brought rift activity and with that a bunch of rather human looking aliens. Luckily the rift opening had been before the rush hour; otherwise they would have had to deal with a major retcon operation due to the portal appearing in the middle of the city centre. However, that had meant a perfect CCTV coverage, and Jack had been able to identify the aliens as Tanolians, a rather harmless yet annoying species from the 47th century.

"They're always looking for profit, like those aliens in Star Trek," Jack had grinned.

"You mean the Ferengi?" Ianto had raised an eyebrow and looked at the screen. "Well, at least ours here don't have the big ears. What are we going to do with them?"

"I'll go talk to them and politely ask them to leave the planet." When Ianto's eyebrow had disappeared into his hairline, Jack had huffed. "I can be polite!"

"Uh-hu. What are you going to say? Excuse me, but you violated the first directive of never interfering with a species less technically evolved. Please beam out immediately? I don't think that will cut it."

"Oh, Ianto, you should have more faith in your Captain." Grinning his impossible wide grin, Jack had then grabbed his coat and bestowed a kiss on Ianto's lips before he had run out. "I'll be back in time for a late breakfast. Have the coffee ready."

"Jack!" Running after him, Ianto had managed to catch up to his lover in the garage. "I don't like you going out there without back-up."

"There's no time to wait for Gwen. The Tanolians won't stay in one place for long, and when they start to collect their profits, it won't be pretty."

"I'll come with you."

"No, I need you to monitor them from here. You can follow them through the CCTV. Call Gwen and have her meet me in the city centre."

"This is why we need more personnel, Jack! It's just not possible to run Torchwood with only three people."

"Not now, Ianto," Jack had sighed and opened the door of the SUV. "We'll talk about itwhen I'm back, okay?"

"You always say that." Shooting one last glare at Jack, Ianto had headed back into the Hub.

That had been over five hours ago.

Ianto had been able to track the Tanolians and Jack for some time, but shortly before Gwen could reach their position, he had lost them. The CCTV cameras had gone blank and the signal from Jack's subcutaneous transmitter had just stopped. Knowing his bad feeling had been right, Ianto had frantically tried to get the signal back while ordering Gwen to sweep the area of Jack's last known location. But it had been as if the Earth had opened up and swallowed them all. Only the fact that the rift monitor had stayed blessedly quiet had somewhat eased Ianto's tension. At least they were still on the planet somewhere.

They had regrouped in the Hub and used every possible scan they could think of, but there was no trace of either the aliens or Jack. Ianto had been getting more worried by the minute and had grabbed his weapon when Jack's signal had suddenly reappeared on the monitor again.

"I knew it was a good idea to force Jack to agree to have these things implanted in all of us," Iantomuttered while running towards the cog door. "Gwen, keep an eye on the signal and tell me if it moves. Don't lose him!"

"Ianto...!" But her shout hadn't beeb heard, as Ianto had been in the elevator already. "Damn, those boys." Gwen had focused her attention back to the monitor and had hoped to God she wouldn't lose Jack's signal.

Now, Ianto was standing in front of the abandoned office building in an equally abandoned factory lot in Splott.

"I'm here," he said into the comm while still scanning his surroundings for possible attackers.

"I know. I have you on the monitor and heard you shouting rather loudly for Jack," Gwen replied dryly. "But I suggest to stop with the shouting. The aliens are probably somewhere close by. Jack is in the building in front of you, so be careful."

Rolling his eyes at Gwen and his own stupidity, Ianto quickly ran over to the front entrance of the building, finding the door unlocked. A closer inspection showed scorch marks on the door.

"Damn. Just my luck! They probably have some sort of ray guns," Ianto muttered while carefully peering into the semi-darkness of the building. The windows had been either barricaded with wooden planks or were so dirty they barely let any light through.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. I'm going in now." Slipping through the open door, Ianto waited a moment for his eyes to adjust. When he could make out his surroundings again, he found himself in a medium sized entrance hall. A counter was set up to his left, probably where visitors had to register before walking further into the building. Well, of course there was no one waiting to take his name now, so he slowly edged forward. "What direction?"

"Jack should be about fifty yards to your right." Gwen's voice sounded tense. It was always hard to sit and watch instead of being there and able to provide cover.

"Alright; I see a hallway opening up there." Tightening the grip on his gun, Ianto slowly walked over to the indicated hallway and peered into it. It appeared to be empty, so he started heading down the hallway in a slow jog.

"Okay, stop. Jack should be five yards to your left now," Gwen whispered over the comm.

"There's a door; it doesn't look like it had been opened for several years," Ianto whispered back, slowly edging closer to the door. Pressing his ear to the old wood, he held his breath and listened for anything suspicious. When he couldn't hear a thing, he took a deep breath and tried the door handle. Locked. "Fuck." Muttering under his breath, he took a step back and used all his strength to kick the door in. Surprised when the door actually flew open, Ianto quickly recovered and stepped into the room, his weapon at the ready.

"Everything okay?" Gwen was worried now; she had heard the loud bang when the door had hit the wall.

"No, everything's not okay. Jack isn't here."

"But the scanner says you're right on top of him."

"Well, I guess I'd know if I were. Been there, done that," Ianto sniped back and lowered his weapon. "There's only dust in this room and probably a rat or two somewhere."

"He has to be there. I don't think they've cut the transmitter out of him and dumped it. They haven't right?" Suddenly unsure, Gwen stared at the monitor in front of her in horror. The two blips were still steadily blinking, indicating that Ianto and Jack were close together.

"No, I don't think so." Trying to reassure Gwen as much as himself, Ianto stepped back into the hallway. "He's probably just one floor up. These things don't account for height differences."

"You're right." Mentally kicking herself for not thinking of that sooner, Gwen was suddenly distracted by the blaring sound of the rift monitor. "Ianto, we have rift activity and it's exactly at your location!"

"Damn, they're leaving!" Already sprinting down the hallway again, Ianto made a double take when he ran past the door to the stairwell. Pushing the door open, he didn't miss a beat and jumped up the stairs two at a time. When he reached the first floor, he rammed the door open with his shoulder and stumbled into a hallway just like the one downstairs. Frantically looking around, he could see a yellow-orange light coming out of one of the rooms at the end of the hallway. Setting off in a sprint again, Ianto gripped his gun tightly in his hand. He was barely halfway to the room when the light suddenly went out.

"No!"

Not slowing down, he pushed himself to run faster, dreading what he would find in the room.

"Rift activity has stopped. The monitor indicates that something went through, but I still have Jack's signal on the scanner."

With Gwen's words sounding like music to his ears. Ianto sprinted the last yards to the room with hope, stopping dead in his tracks when he finally looked inside.

"What is it Ianto? Is he there? Is he okay?" Gwen was almost hyperventilating.

Ianto blinked a few times to force his brain to accept what he was seeing.

"Oh, hey Ianto!" Jack slurred, breaking the silence, when he noticed the presence of his lover. Grinning stupidly he tried to lift his hand, frowning when he couldn't.

Ianto took in the wide pupils in the somewhat glazed over eyes, the lopsided smile and of course Jack's naked upper body and the IV lines that went into both arms. Jack's wrists were tied to the chair he was sitting in, effectively keeping him from pulling the IV lines out of himself.

"I'm so glad you're here!" Jack slurred again, his head lolling from one side to the other. "I was getting kind of bored with the Telo-tone-uhm-Tanolians!" Giggling over his own inability to pronounce the name of the alien race correctly, Jack wriggled his fingers. "They were asking the same question over and over again."

"What did they do to you?" Ianto finally snapped out of his daze and stepped closer to his lover.

"Oh, nothing. They just wanted to talk with me. You know, I might have mentioned the beaming," Jack whispered conspiratorially before dissolving into another fit of giggles. "I told them my name was Kirk. They thought the beaming was real and wanted to know where to find the transporters." Sobering up comically, Jack looked sternly at Ianto. "Of course I didn't tell them!" When he started to giggle again, he missed Ianto's frown.

"Are you stoned?"

Jack tried to look indignantly at Ianto but the effect was rather destroyed when his head kept lolling to one side, and he couldn't really wipe the stupid grin from his face. "Noooo. I don't do drugs. Drugs are bad!" Actually managing to show Ianto an accusatory finger, Jack narrowed his eyes in a ridiculous way. "You know that, they say it on the TV all the time!"

"What did they give you?" After inspecting the almost empty IV drips, Ianto carefully pulled the needles out of Jack's arms.

"Oh, some funny stuff. Gives me a tickling feeling all over. You should try it." Leering up at Ianto, Jack almost managed a wink before his head lolled back. "Are you here for the party? We should have hot sex right here on this chair." Jack's voice had dropped an octave and he licked his lips seductively. Well, it would have been seductive, if not for the drool running down his chin.

"Ianto, what the hell is going on in there?" Gwen shouted over the comm and made Ianto wince.

"Jeez, Gwen. You don't have to shout, you know? I have Jack. He's fine... I think. Well, he's kind of loaded. I don't know what they gave him, but I'll bring the substance with meso we can analyze it. Hopefully it isn't toxic." Ianto had managed to untie one of Jack's hands, while he reported to Gwen and now almost regretted it when Jack immediately started groping him. "Jack, not now."

"But you're right, I'm loaded. Loaded with sexual tension." Palming Ianto's cock through his pants, Jack started to pout when his hand was slapped away.

"I told you, not now, Jack!"

"You're no fun."

"Probably not." Quickly stepping away from Jack, when he had untied his other hand, Ianto located his lover's clothes and threw them at him. "Get dressed."

"But to have sex, one has to get undressed," Jack leered again at Ianto.

"We're not having sex now!"

"But later?"

"Maybe."

"Is that's a promise?"

"It's a maybe. Now get dressed and we're out of here."

Still grumbling Jack managed to slip one arm into the sleeve of his shirt. Unfortunately, it was the wrong sleeve, and he ended up wearing the shirt back to front.

"Oh for God's sake!" Grabbing Jack's coat before the other man could pull it on the wrong way as well, Ianto carefully wrapped the IV drips in it. Then he took Jack's hand and pulled his lover towards the hallway. After two steps it was clear that the way to his car would take some time. Jack was stumbling over his own feet, but happily hummed a melody all the way while repeatedly trying to grope Ianto.

Ianto sighed. Jack was almost insatiable when he was sober, but flying high like this? Ignoring the groping hand as well as he could, Ianto started to walk faster. He figured Jack was falling over his own feet, because he twisted himself in order to be able to fondle Ianto. If he could get Jack to walk faster, he wouldn't be able to stick his fingers where Ianto really didn't need them right now.

Taking off at a brisk walk, yanking Jack with him in the process, Ianto was relieved as his plan worked.

"You're no fun," Jack complained with a whine, when the yank at his hand caused him to whirl around while his hand flew out of Ianto's pants. Now forced to walk – or rather stumble – properly, Jack changed tactics and starting to belt out a song.

"Can't you see

I love you  
Please don't break my heart in two  
That's not hard to do  
'Cause I don't have a wooden heart."

"Oh, please!" Ianto muttered, but kept walking. Had the hallway really been that long earlier? Yeah right, he had been running instead of pulling a caned Jack after him.

"And if you say goodbye  
Then I know that I would cry  
Maybe I would die  
'Cause I don't have a wooden heart." Jack was singing on the top of his lungs now, not caring that he missed every second tone.

"Would you please shut up?" Ianto couldn't suppress the relieved sigh when they reached the door to the stairwell. "Gwen, if you're recording this, I'm going to kill you with my bare hands."

"Oh, come on, Ianto. It will be perfect for blackmailing," Gwen giggled, having started the recording the moment Ianto had asked Jack if he was stoned.

"You have a point there."

"There's no strings upon this love of mine  
It was always you from the start  
Treat me nice  
Treat me good  
Treat me like you really should  
'Cause I'm not made of wood  
And I don't have a wooden heart." Jack actually started to jump the steps down in sync to his song and would have keeled over, if not for Ianto's steadying hand on his chest.

They were almost through the entry hall, and Ianto hoped they would reach his car before Jack reached the next chorus, but his hope was shattered when Jack belted the words out with conviction when they stepped out into the sunlight.

"Muss i denn, muss i denn  
Zum Städtele hinaus  
Städtele hinaus  
Und du, mein Schatz, bleibst hier?"

Cringing at the awful German pronunciation, Ianto yanked the passenger door of his car open and shoved Jack inside. He slammed the door shut with a curse and banged his head a few times on the roof of his car while Jack's now muted voice still sang to him.

"There's no strings upon this love of mine  
It was always you from the start  
Sei mir gut  
Sei mir gut  
Sei mir wie du wirklich sollst  
Wie du wirklich sollst  
'Cause I don't have a wooden heart."

Straightening up, Ianto walked around the car and fell into the driver's seat just as Jack belted out the last word. Resisting the urge to hit his head against the steering wheel for good measure, Ianto turned on the ignition and set the car in motion. He was thankful for the sudden silence, but when he turned slightly he found Jack grinning at him.

"What?"

"Can we have sex now?"

Groaning, Ianto floored the accelerator and the car gave an angry howl, almost drowning out Gwen's laughter in his ear.

--

Luckily, they found nothing wrong with Jack aside from the fact that he was loaded. He just kept trying to seduce Ianto on the autopsy table and wasn't really responding to any of there questions. When Gwen couldn't read the display of her scanner anymore because she was shaking so hard from laughter, they decided it would be best for all of them if they would sedate Jack until the effects of the drugs wore off.

It took thrice the usual dosage to knock Jack out, and when he was finally sleeping peacefully, Gwen and Ianto both sat down heavily on the couch with a relieved sigh.

"Now, that was different," Gwen huffed.

"Actually, it was just Jack's normal behaviour multiplied by ten," Ianto deadpanned. "We really need to find out what was in those IV drips. Maybe we can sell it on the street."

Laughing, Gwen slapped Ianto's thigh. "Better not. Think about it, all of Cardiff singing 'muss i denn, muss i denn zum städtele hinaus'. That is worse than an alien invasion."

"Not to mention all the people having sex everywhere."

"Jack would love that."

"True. We'd better not mention it to him then." Standing back up, Ianto smoothed down a few crinkles in his suit. "I'm gonna make coffee. Why don't you put some of that drug stuff into the analyser? Maybe we can find out when it'll wear off."

And just with that everything went back to normal, or whatever counted for as normal at Torchwood. They found a chemical compound in the drug that neither of them had heard of, and when Jack was acting like Jack again, he could only tell them that this compound would probably be used in medicines of the future. It was designed to activate dormant genes.

As they couldn't make heads nor tails of it all, and Jack couldn't remember anything about his 'talk' with the Tanolians, they wrote it up and Ianto stored it under 'T' in the archives, hoping there wasn't suddenly another shoe that would drop on their heads.


End file.
